The body shots, the duck billed platypus and season's greetings!

Almost a month since I last wrote to you!  Apologies for the neglect, but things have been pretty busy at work and although I have been training like a demon, there hasn't been too much to report on.

Where do I start?  Ok, so armed with my latest measurements, as well as my new weight loss goal of 20kg in mind, it was time to get rid of the last 2kg before the Hitman headed off into the distance for his well deserved holiday.

Some of the training sucked. Big time.  But some really didn't! I had a huge amount of fun when Divine added a new element to our MMA sessions.  He has now included a belly protector type pad thing (technical term) into our training sessions.  Which means that, instead of me just hitting pads which he holds up in the air, I punch the living crap out of Divine himself - jabs and hooks and more jabs!  Hard.  With everything I have.  I am more used to body shots which include tequila, lemon and salt but, truly, it's brilliant!!!  I have to actually think about the punches I am going to throw - like a real fighter! And he makes it even more interesting by dancing around, exhaling loudly when I connect (which just so happens to be regularly), dodging my punches, coming at me like a kamikaze warrior so I can lay in with a volley of body shots - the whole tutti frutti! We look so professional, I shit you not!  Ok, in all fairness he is a professional, but even I feel impressive when we do this! And boy do I sweat!  It is a brilliant workout and adds a different feel to our sessions.  After a few "rounds" I can barely lift my arms anymore.  Such. Much. Fun!

Although we had decided that we would only do one final weigh in and measure session before Divine buggered off on holiday I decided, during the course of last week, that I would brave the scale to see how much I still had to go before reaching the 20kg goal.  Turns out that we had, in the meantime, reached said goal!  I was super stoked and couldn't wait to tell Divine.  Big frikking mistake!  At first it was all good as we discussed the weight loss issue and decided that, although we (I) still want to lose a few more kilos, we would now be focussed on toning and working on specific areas.  Let me interject here and say that I have become incredibly critical of my body.  Initially I was quite impressed, and did a lot of duck face posing in front of the mirror inspecting new found shapes and stuff, but now all I see are the problem areas, of which there are many.  Anyway, bottom line is that the areas I am still unhappy with are definitely my tummy (which, although down substantially, is a wobbly puddle of jelly):

my two little inner thigh love handle thingies:

Pretend this is me  (it's not, but just pretend) that bit she is squishing - that bit pisses me off no end!

And my arms still need some work.

Ok let's NOT pretend this is me, cos it's not (I promise), but you get my point right?

So that having been said, and a plan in mind, Divine decided to "reward" me with a "free weight" session.  The weight in question?  Oh, only the mother flowering 20kgs I had just lost!  Divine's argument was that I started with that, so shouldn't have too much of a problem carrying it around!  I had to lift the weight, jog back and forth with the buggering weight, and do hamstring thingies with it.  I gotta tell you - 20kg is heavier than it looks!

Posing with the 20kg weight

KAK heavy! Seriously!

It seems that Divine's current torture of choice - which focusses on said specific problem areas - involves exercising with free weights and something called (I think) DOMS (not sure exactly of the abbreviation but it goes something along the lines of Delayed Onset Muscle Stiffness or Soreness or Stress or something like that).  What it means, in layman terms, is that you train and think (erroneously) "ag man please, this is a piece of old takkie" and then between 12 to 24 hours later you start to become a little stiff and sore, but still not too bad.  Then, over the following 24 hours, your body seizes completely and reverts to its old favourite - George Burns style!!  You then limp and hop and squeal in agony for at least another 48 hours.

It's funny though because people seem to be surprised that, even after all this time and so much training, I still get stiff and sore. The way I figure it though is that when you stop feeling any sort of pain or stiffness, you have stopped pushing yourself and need to change your workout (or your trainer).  The point is, I reckon, to continue setting goals and working hard towards them.

With only one week to go before Divine leaves, it was time to do our final measure for the year.  Not much has happened really, with most of the measurements staying more or less the same.  The only noticeable change is a further 2cm loss around my waist.  Which is super welcome because we have really been pushing the ab workouts!  And of course the 20kg weight loss goal which I have achieved.  So, my weight loss in farm and other odd animals at this point is as follows:

A 2kg rooster

A 4kg lamb

4kg Duck Billed Platypus

A 1.4kg Mallard Duck

A 2.6kg Sphinx Cat

And a 6kg koala chilling on a log!

So to wrap up:  At this stage I have lost a rooster, a lamb, a duck billed platypus, a mallard duck, a sphynx kitty and a koala in a pear tree.  Ok so it's not a pear tree, but tis the season people, go with me here!

And on that note, this will be my final post for 2012 - go forth, my feathery friends, and eat, drink and be merry!  I will hopefully have some interesting stories to share with you in 2013 about all the chicken-up-a-turkey's-arse-up-a-duck's-arse which I will have eaten, not to mention the many festive sips of sherry!  This is assuming of course that we make it past our next scheduled "end of days" on 21/12/2012!  

Till then, be safe, be loved and be dead sexy!

Cheers!

T
x

The Tape Measure and the Bruises

So last week sucked ass.  Monday was weigh in and I strutted into gym super confident and full of my own self-importance - as one gets, you know.   I weighed in, took note of the tonnage, and met up with Divine for measurement time.  I waltzed through the gym, smirking knowingly at people, tipping my head in the direction of the regulars, swinging my hips just a little cheekily as I walked up the stairs, sauntering through the sweaty masses towards the room where the tape measure comes into play, joking and laughing loudly with Divine.  After a search for the white measuring tape, Divine had no choice but to opt for the yellow one.  Why on earth is this of any relevance?  Wait.  Just flipping wait!

Armed with this tape measure, we started what I had expected to be a fabulous session of measuring just how very awesome I was. WRONG!!!  The first result - chest measurement - was UP by 2cm.  WTF?  The second measurement - upper arm - up by 1cm.  At this point my smirk had been replaced with a look of abject horror.  Divine remeasured both areas twice - coming up with the same result.  My waist showed a measly drop of 0.4cm, and there was a gain of 2cm and 1.5cm respectively on my hips and thighs.  I wanted to sob.  Even my calf showed a gain of 1cm.  This was all too much to take in.  I was absolutely flummoxed.  So even though my weight had gone down a little more - now at a loss of 18.5kg - all my measurements had gone up.  How the hell could that have happened?   A very subdued training session ensued, with Divine muttering about possible water retention and hormones and stuff, and with me trying to work out how the holy hell I had managed to eat my way up in centimetres but not kilograms.  We decided a re-measure was in order and planned it for that Thursday.  

After gym I slunk into the coffee shop where Divine was chatting to another trainer about the tape measure incident.  Turns out .... now I was also somewhat taken aback .... but the yellow tape measure is wrong.  It isn't measured out correctly or some kak.  Bottom line is, however, that the measurements were all off and that the rapid onset of depression might not have actually been called for.  Holding on to the slim hope that the dude who measured out the spaces on the buggering thing was pissed as a coot when he did so, I went through the next few days alternating between anxious anticipation and misery.

It was a quieter, more subdued, less confident Tracy and Divine who approached the measuring room that Thursday morning.  No laughter echoed through the gym, no sauntering or cheeky hip swaying in evidence.  Just a pale (me), pasty (both of us), worried (Divine) duo heading for our possible execution.  Ok, fine, so maybe that's a little over-dramatic, but I am trying to set the scene here people, bear with me.

Armed with the tatty, frayed white (yay) tape measure we quietly did the math.  The results were as follows (again, total loss, as opposed to latest loss):

Chest: 13.5cm.
Arm: 3.5cm.
Waist: 21.2cm.
Hips: 14.6cm.
Thigh: 9.3cm.
Calf: 3cm.

Total loss in centimetres:  65.1.  BOOM!

65cm television ;)

The relief - you can imagine - was enormous.  However that whole episode took me down a peg or seventeen, and I realised that in reality it is actually damn easy to pick up the weight and centimetres again.  I have got to be super careful that I don't backtrack.  (Especially since all my new clothes are so bloody small and tight now that there's no room for growth, and I've given all my fat clothes away!).

Oh and Divine is going on holiday.  For a month.  In December. Shit.  This means two things:  Firstly, our new goal of 20kg by Christmas has been moved forward by a massive three frikking weeks!

Secondly, I will be training using willpower alone for an entire bloody month.  I will have to do exercise and yell at myself at the same time; count repetitions all the way to 30 without stopping at 7; do the shitty stuff like gogos or burpees or spider walks of my own volition;  spend a full hour on the elliptical machine at a high level, and not chilling at level 2 and reading a book; keep training 5 days a week even though no one will know if I miss a day or two.  Yoh people!  This is going to be the test.  Do I have what it takes to make it through the festive season with my weight and fitness levels in tact?

I have to tell you, however, that Divine has changed from Mr Nice Guy to Mr Doesn't Take Shit! After last week's mma / boxing session I ended up with bruised shins from the kicking bag.  Just FYI - and in case you think I'm doing it wrong - I am supposed to kick with my shins!  Evidence below!

I miss the days when he was all nice and sweet to me during training, saying things like "you are doing well", "you are awesome", "excellent work" and "take a break"!!  This has now changed to "your bob is bad", "your weave is lazy", "faster", "properly", "do it again"! Pffft!  He has  in essence gone from this

to this:

I suppose it's what happens - the natural progression of things, if you will.  He has to push me or I will never get stronger, fitter and (importantly) slimmer!  I do however plan on moaning about it until I am blue - cos that's what I do! So deal!

T
x